"A (wo)man loses his illusions first, his teeth second, and his follies last."

For the most part, I am not a self-conscious person. Occasionally, I get concerned if I think someone does not like me, or if someone is making fun of me. But as for my image, I am completely content. Almost completely content.

I was born with bad teeth....The end.

But you've asked for a story so I suppose I could go into detail. I was born with what you call “peg laterals.” In basic terms, my teeth look like pegs. Not all my teeth, only the two surrounding my two front teeth (my fang teeth, if you will). Growing up I was always afraid to smile because I did not want people to make fun of me. Luckily, my uncle AND my step dad are both dentists. Did I say luckily?

My uncle began my tooth-saga a month before my bat mitzvah in 2001. My mom was on-again off-again with her boyfriend so he wasn’t as reliable as my uncle at the time. My uncle put bonding over my two teeth to disguise them as real teeth. I should also mention that he never thought braces were necessary because my bite was good.

Two months later, while eating pizza, one of my teeth fell out. Okay, fine, no big deal. I go back to my uncle’s and he fixes me up. My bonding holds until high school, a prominent time in my life. I was trying to figure out who I was while trying to impress others. Hard to do when your missing one of your front teeth. My other tooth fell out a week before high school began.

Fine, no big deal. My uncle fixed me up.

My teeth surprisingly stayed put in my mouth until freshman year of college. I was eating lunch with new friends--chicken and rice. The rice was not cooked all the way and when I bit down, my tooth cracked in half. Ugh, fine, I guess not a big deal. I mean I had to figure out how and when to go home to get it fixed. At this point, I had become an expert at talking with my mouth mainly closed; however, it was not fun.

My step-dad decided it was time to take the next step. Veneers. I had such high hopes for the veneers, as they were pricey and highly recommended. And boy, did they look good. I was so happy with my new veneers. I smiled every chance I got! Furthermore, everyone complimented me on my teeth, Me! So weird.

And then one day I woke up and one of my teeth were gone. My teeth didn't even give me a warning. I felt used.

Okay, kind of a big deal. These veneers were very expensive and on-top of everything, my high hopes had been shot.

The story continues about 4 more times with my veneers falling out. Finally, my uncle admits that I have an overbite that is causing my bottom teeth to hit my top ones at an awkward position. Fabulous.

So about two weeks ago, I was eating subway and my tooth cracked again. I had become pretty handy with my tooth. I learned that if it was an even crack, and if I was able to save the part that fell off, I could go to CVS and buy denture cream and stick that bad boy back in my mouth. And so I did. What’s annoying about this solution is I cannot eat with the glued tooth in my mouth. Every time I wanted to eat I had to take out the tooth, eat, then stick it back in. It wasn’t so horrible, plus no one knew anything was wrong with my tooth.

So the next weekend I went out with my roommates. I wasn’t completely drunk but I was definitely not sober. As always, I was looking forward to my late night pizza feast. God I love pizza. Anyway, I bite into my pizza like there’s no tomorrow and it was so good. I take my second bite and its just as good as the first, but a bit crunchier. I’m so tired of these pizza places burning the crust so much that its hard to bite into.

Oh shit....that was my tooth.

Unfortunately, this story does not have an ending. My uncle was able to bond my tooth for the time being, but, knowing my mouth, it is not permanent. I tried to make this as entertaining a story as possible, but keep in mind it is still a sensitive subject that I continue to deal with. Thanks for your understanding.