Yes, I went to Jewish sleep away camp for 9 summers growing up.
Yes, I had 4 bar/bat Mitzvahs a weekend for the entire 7th-8th grade.
I had my own Bat Mitzvah.
I go to services when prompted by my parents.
I did birthright and went to Israel for 10 days.
I went to Hebrew school 3 times a week for 5 years.
But lets recap here:
Sleep away camp. We counted down the days til we saw the boys camp. When we finally saw the boys, we snuck off and did who knows what with them in an empty bunk. In between seeing the boys, we practiced making out by kissing each other and offering suggestions. Then at night time, we would talk to the dead via the ouiji board and go exploring. As we got older and still attended camp, we would try to find ways to sneak off camp grounds--without getting caught.
Oh Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. A simple excuse to hook up with boys and explore our new found sexuality. I mean, what do you expect, putting 100 hormonal 13 year olds in a hotel for 4 hours. Things were bound to get weird. I believe it was in the phone booth at a Bar Mitzvah that I first got felt up. It was on the bus from synagogue to the party that I saw my first penis. And most importantly, it was at a Saturday night Bat Mitzvah where I first got so intoxicated I couldn't make Sunday afternoon's bar mitzvah--BTW, Sorry for missing your special day Andrew Zimmerman! I'm sure the $200 per person you wasted on me was barely missed in the scheme of things.My Bat Mitzvah. What a joyous occasion I will never remember. Not because I was drunk, but I was so overwhelmed that my ADD kicked into turbo speed and before I knew it, my special day was over. All I know is, it was probably the best day of my life. Learning the hebrew and shit was annoying, don't get me wrong. But, back then I thought I had the best voice ever and loved singing for people (ok, ok I still do--whatever). SO basically the 350 people I invited had to come watch/listen to me sing. Dude, life does not get better than that. Also, as I mentioned before, they had to watch my friend sand I dance. Jews really must be the chosen ones because they showcase each one individually at their 13th birthday and everyone watching has to pretend to be entertained.
Growing up my parents would make me go to services. I never complained--in fact, I looked forward to it! I had so many friends and hot men at my synagogue, it was the perfect social event. I honestly met soo many people at services (well, my group of friends hung out in an empty classroom most the time)...
Birthright is an awesome experience. Basically these rich jews pay for you to go to the prettiest place on earth, get drunk/stoned and have sex with Israeli soldiers. You are an idiot if you don't go. Yea, I did feel a connection to my ancestors, it's kind of hard not to. The entire city of Jerusalem is just a shrine to the past. It is pretty cool how so much of the past still remains today. But outside of Jerusalem, let's say, Tel Aviv, it is party central. I've been to a shit ton of places in the world and NO ONE can party like the Jews in Tel Aviv. Furthermore, every Israeli man is smokin hawt, and unlike Christians, they are down for the get down. No waitin til marriage bull crap--Jews know what they want and they make it happ'n cap'n! If I had to chose one main reason why I love being Jewish, its Israel, hands down!
Hebrew school. God bless my poor hebrew school teachers. We literally never got anything done because my friends and I were "the popular Jews" that sat in the back of the classroom and talked the entire time. Whereas in real school, I was a great student, in hebrew school, I was a teachers worse nightmare. I literally talked and talked and the more the teacher scolded, the more I talked, until she finally kicked me out of class (which I had hoped for) because then I would go to the lounge and watch tv until that shit was over.
So I guess what I am trying to say is through being Jewish, I have become an expert sexually, received the attention I longed for and deserved, tested my sexuality and chose men, and practiced getting drunk for the years of alcoholism to follow. I wonder if all religions are like this. Are religions even a thing anymore? I know they were cool back in the day when there was no technology or alcohol but I mean, its almost 2012. What purpose do they really serve now?
When people ask me what religion I am, I always say "boo-ish." Because yea, I was born and raised Jewish so through my family I am; but, through life experience, I see I relate more to Buddhism. Buddhism isn't so much a religion like the 3 main ones, it's more a way of life. It helps you get in touch with yourself which to me makes sense considering you have to live with yourself the longest.
But overall, I just don't know about religion anymore. I just saw the skit about Tebow and Jesus from SNL. SO hilarious, by the way. But I totally get it... I just don't understand how this man, Tebow, can think Jesus is the reason hes playing well. How about the fact that your a fucking large man and know how to play the game (that's all I'm gonna say cause that's the extent of my football knowledge).
To end this, I'd like to say:
