Confessions of a Jewisholic

To those of you who know me, you know I am full out Jew. Born and raised my sistah. However, what does that really mean?


Yes, I went to Jewish sleep away camp for 9 summers growing up.


Yes, I had 4 bar/bat Mitzvahs a weekend for the entire 7th-8th grade.


I had my own Bat Mitzvah.


I go to services when prompted by my parents.


I did birthright and went to Israel for 10 days.


I went to Hebrew school 3 times a week for 5 years.


But lets recap here:


Sleep away camp. We counted down the days til we saw the boys camp. When we finally saw the boys, we snuck off and did who knows what with them in an empty bunk. In between seeing the boys, we practiced making out by kissing each other and offering suggestions. Then at night time, we would talk to the dead via the ouiji board and go exploring. As we got older and still attended camp, we would try to find ways to sneak off camp grounds--without getting caught.


Oh Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. A simple excuse to hook up with boys and explore our new found sexuality. I mean, what do you expect, putting 100 hormonal 13 year olds in a hotel for 4 hours. Things were bound to get weird. I believe it was in the phone booth at a Bar Mitzvah that I first got felt up. It was on the bus from synagogue to the party that I saw my first penis. And most importantly, it was at a Saturday night Bat Mitzvah where I first got so intoxicated I couldn't make Sunday afternoon's bar mitzvah--BTW, Sorry for missing your special day Andrew Zimmerman! I'm sure the $200 per person you wasted on me was barely missed in the scheme of things.


My Bat Mitzvah. What a joyous occasion I will never remember. Not because I was drunk, but I was so overwhelmed that my ADD kicked into turbo speed and before I knew it, my special day was over. All I know is, it was probably the best day of my life. Learning the hebrew and shit was annoying, don't get me wrong. But, back then I thought I had the best voice ever and loved singing for people (ok, ok I still do--whatever). SO basically the 350 people I invited had to come watch/listen to me sing. Dude, life does not get better than that. Also, as I mentioned before, they had to watch my friend sand I dance. Jews really must be the chosen ones because they showcase each one individually at their 13th birthday and everyone watching has to pretend to be entertained.


Growing up my parents would make me go to services. I never complained--in fact, I looked forward to it! I had so many friends and hot men at my synagogue, it was the perfect social event. I honestly met soo many people at services (well, my group of friends hung out in an empty classroom most the time)...



Birthright is an awesome experience. Basically these rich jews pay for you to go to the prettiest place on earth, get drunk/stoned and have sex with Israeli soldiers. You are an idiot if you don't go. Yea, I did feel a connection to my ancestors, it's kind of hard not to. The entire city of Jerusalem is just a shrine to the past. It is pretty cool how so much of the past still remains today. But outside of Jerusalem, let's say, Tel Aviv, it is party central. I've been to a shit ton of places in the world and NO ONE can party like the Jews in Tel Aviv. Furthermore, every Israeli man is smokin hawt, and unlike Christians, they are down for the get down. No waitin til marriage bull crap--Jews know what they want and they make it happ'n cap'n! If I had to chose one main reason why I love being Jewish, its Israel, hands down!


Hebrew school. God bless my poor hebrew school teachers. We literally never got anything done because my friends and I were "the popular Jews" that sat in the back of the classroom and talked the entire time. Whereas in real school, I was a great student, in hebrew school, I was a teachers worse nightmare. I literally talked and talked and the more the teacher scolded, the more I talked, until she finally kicked me out of class (which I had hoped for) because then I would go to the lounge and watch tv until that shit was over.


So I guess what I am trying to say is through being Jewish, I have become an expert sexually, received the attention I longed for and deserved, tested my sexuality and chose men, and practiced getting drunk for the years of alcoholism to follow. I wonder if all religions are like this. Are religions even a thing anymore? I know they were cool back in the day when there was no technology or alcohol but I mean, its almost 2012. What purpose do they really serve now?


When people ask me what religion I am, I always say "boo-ish." Because yea, I was born and raised Jewish so through my family I am; but, through life experience, I see I relate more to Buddhism. Buddhism isn't so much a religion like the 3 main ones, it's more a way of life. It helps you get in touch with yourself which to me makes sense considering you have to live with yourself the longest.


But overall, I just don't know about religion anymore. I just saw the skit about Tebow and Jesus from SNL. SO hilarious, by the way. But I totally get it... I just don't understand how this man, Tebow, can think Jesus is the reason hes playing well. How about the fact that your a fucking large man and know how to play the game (that's all I'm gonna say cause that's the extent of my football knowledge).


To end this, I'd like to say:

Okay, I'm famous

So I was at a party Friday night when my guy friend starting talking to me. He asked if I wrote a blog...Obviously I said no, since I only share this blog with my closest friends.


Well, good thing I took precautions prior to starting my blog last year. I made up a fake name and changed the name and locations of all people and things I talk about. Thank god.


My friend called me out and said "Hmm, weird because the girl who wrote this blog just got back from Costa Rica and just went to the redskins game."


Fuck, how did you know? How could you possibly know?


Low and behold, there I was, right there on barstool.com. At first I was embarrassed, but you know what, fuck it. Thank you all for making me famous. Furthermore, thanks for providing me with a few good chuckles. I just found out that there actually is a real live Brooke Carter, and yes, she is busted. (not saying Im not, its fun for you all to think I'm a fat ugly pooping chick).


Also, the comments about being turned on, sorry but that's gross. This blog is CLEARLY not for turning guys on--Infact, it was only intended for my girlfriends to laugh at and be entertained. A lot of the stuff I write about is completely true--However, I do fabricate a lot to make people be like "Holy shit, this girl is whack." So, reading through those comments, I realize I have accomplished my goal!

So, thanks for making me famous. I know who I am, I am confident in who I am, and quite frankly, I just don't give a fuck. 

"Brooke Carter"

Cuando en (rome) Costa Rica

Desayuno

Every morning the resort offered a free breakfast.

More coming soon...

Venga Zip Lining!

If you have never zip lined before, I highly recommend it! The thrill of the air whipping at you at full force while examining a tropical jungle is exhilarating. Edwin was our main zip line helper but he brought along with him Ronald, Marvin, and Nelson. Personally, my favorite was Ronald, as he only knew 4 english words (“hello”, “goodbye”, “break”, and “death”) and challenged my Spanish-speaking skills.

During a break, everyone was drinking their waters and I couldn't stand the silence. So naturally, I started to let the crew into our life, describing family secrets and what not.

“So, what’s weird is that Rachel didn’t even need to use your helmets for zip-lining because she has her own”

(This girl is weird, why is she talking?)

“Yea, hers is purple though.”

(what? why?)

“Well, when she was little she was at la playa and a big wave come and her cabeza go BOOM! And now, as you see, she is as she is. Very sad! Her parents (I point) are clearly good people for letting her stay at their house. And although her dog house in the back has no heater, she makes do with the cotton balls they gave her to keep her warm”

Needless to say, the entire crew was in hysterics and, surprisingly, didn’t doubt my story. The rest of the day they were paying EXTRA close attention to Rachel, for now she was a big liability. And, of course, Rachel did her best to play the part. At times Edwin was frustrated with Rachel but he clearly never dealt with a zip-liner that supplied her own helmet before. Perhaps now they will make a new rule.


A la playa

One day, Rach and I decided to separate from the  family. We waited patiently at the bus stop for the arrival of el autobus but slowly became irritated when it did not appear. Many taxi cabs, and regular vehicles for that matter, stopped and asked if we wanted a ride but “no gracias,” we did not. Finally, a taxi slowed and the man spoke perfect english saying “I’m going to the beach anyway, the ride can be free.” Thus, we boarded the car and headed to the beach, feelin VIP status.

Upon entering the beach, we were greeted by all sorts of characters. One for buying chairs/umbrellas, a surf instructor, fish? only 4000 colones, “Jet skis--for you, fifty dollar chica”. Where to begin? We got a chair and settled down our belongings. ‘Coco Slater’ would not take
“no gracias” for an answer and we got him to teach us surf lessons for $20 a person for 2 hours. In between laughing hysterics, Rachel and I shortly learned the basics to riding the ocean. Easier done on land than in water but alas, it was time to put our skills to the test.

If at first you don’t succeed, pick yourself up and try again. If at second you don’t succeed, laugh about it and try again. If at third you don’t succeed, give up and smoke pot. And thats exactly what we did. Turned out not only was Coco Slater a renown surfer, but also a legal medical marijuana grower. Que fabolosa! We went behind the reefs, staring at the aqua blue ocean, and got ridiculously stoned.

Now let me tell you about Coco Slater. Coco Slater happens to be a twin. We weren’t exactly sure if his real name was Mikal or Jeff but he was one and his twin brother was the other. Mikal/Jeff was missing about 3 teeth (if I had to guesstimate) and continually showed off his body, revealing, at times, a bit too much. Coco liked many things that other boys in their twenties do-- surfing, smoking, drinking, Brazilean ballroom fighting (google it, still unsure what the F that is ) and picking his nose. Upon calling him out one time, he decided I was a comedian. However, I don’t think that pointing out someones habits constitutes comedial status. But, Rachel and I decided on day three that sarcasm simply doesn't translate into Spanish.

Special Thanks

A special thanks to all our new friends who helped make this trip amazing!

Samuel (Sanchos taqueria) --ugh I will miss my mouthgasms! Even if your wife is a 300 pound Costa Rican woman, you are still cool in my book.

Tiffany and new husband (random ppl in restaurant)-- Thanks for pretending to care about our stories!

Mikal/Jeff/Coco Slater (surf instructor)-- thanks for....everything! I will miss riding the waves with you. I love that we can put a face to the stories we tell about you by viewing Facebook. Perhaps you could have one picture on there that displays your infamous mouth :)

Edwin and crew- Thanks for being extra nice and cautious with my friend Rachel. She doesn’t know how to say it but she thanks you!

Oscar (breakfast server)-- Thanks for eventually showing your true colors! A little old school in your style if I do say so myself, but young love is funny that way isnt it?

Davy (breakfast server)--thanks for putting up with us each morning. Thanks for being patient with our spanish and helping Rachel create naughty love letters in Espanol. Gracias!

Lady from Agua Azul-- Thanks for making my friend Rachel happy by saying she was a delightful eater. Everyone needs to know they are good at something and you truly made her day.
Zealand and family-- Thanks for being such a cute 2 year old Zealand. Zealand’s dad--thanks for being my #1 DILF and providing amazing eye candy our whole trip. If I happen to find a man half as amazing as you, I shall be a lucky lady. PS. Call me if your ever single--I think I’d make a wonderful step-mom.

A True Patriot.

So 25 guys came to DC for the Redskins vs Patriots game. I knew about 3 of them and only through a mutual friend. However, they invited me to tag along and I could NOT pass up the opportunity to be the only girl with 25 guys.

The journey began at 9am when I ventured into DC. I met the guys at the hotel and started drinking beers with them. Since I had just gotten back from Costa Rica, I literally had $30 to my name and therefore did not plan on going to the game.

They planned to take a party bus to the game and I was more than excited. We boarded the bus at 10 and continued drinking.

A complete rookie mistake I made! As I have never been to football tailgate OR game, I completely didn’t realize the traffic jam we would be in on the way there. This being said, I forgot to pee before I left...

About an hour into the trip I had to pee to the point where I could not hold it. Being the only girl on the bus, the guys did not understand. I seriously thought I may pee my pants so I ran to the bus driver for any sort of support. In my most polite way I said to him, “If you don’t pull this fucking bus over right now I swear I will pee on your fucking head.” He immediately pulled off to an exit.

There were no gas stations or stores for me to pee so we found a secluded parking lot. I was so happy that I would finally relieve my self and sprinted off the bus.

Apparently, when you have to go to the bathroom so bad you think your going to explode, running is not recommended. in fact, its highly highly discouraged (I’m not sure if there is research on this but trust me, please).

As I ran away from the bus, with 25 men watching my every move, I began to pee uncontrollably. I felt the warm liquid drip down my pant leg but was undeterred. I would simply act as if it had not happened. I finally got in between 2 cars and pulled my pants down to check out the damage. The damage was done and a huge puddle of liquid was clearly visible in my womanly area. No use crying over spilt milk right? So as I prepared myself in a nice squat to finish peeing, I heard someone running towards me.

It was on of the guys and he ran by real quick before vomitting (not becuase of me, because of the 10 hard boiled eggs he had that morning). But had he seen what I was doing? Did he know I pee’d myself?

I slowly started the treacherous walk back to the bus. Heart beating, palms sweating, body shaking. Be cool, play it off. I stepped onto the bus and sat immediately. I heard all sorts of chants from the guys making fun of women but not one did I hear about peeing your pants. Few! I was in the clear. Then, the thrower upper entered the bus and winked at me.

Fuck. What did that wink mean? Had he seen?

“You really do have a nice ass” as he smiled at me.

“Umm, yea I suppose I do” So it turned out that’s all he had seen. Thank god.

The rest of the bus trip I remained in my seat and at the tailgate I stayed always facing ppl, never revealing my back side. Eventually it dried up and I was back to me again. The game ended up being fun except when I was left alone with a guy.

I don’t know what it is about their group of friends, but when I was alone with them they each (separately) were like “lets pretend we are boyfriend and girlfriend” and would put their arms around me and kiss my cheeks. Maybe guys like having a girl by their side during a football game, to have someone to share joy with? Who knows, but I definitely didn't hate the attention.

I Wonder Why He's Not Into Me?...

When it comes to dating, I like to consider myself a guru. I've had so many worthwhile experiences that I figured I should share them with you all, in hopes that I can pass my wisdom on.


I wonder why he's not into me....


(WARNING: these are very true stories!!)

1. He said I had the worst eating habits he's ever seen and I need etiquette classes.
2. I told him his business website sucks and I'd redo it for free.
3. I told him to cut the chord with his mama and hang out with a real woman.
4. I clogged his toilet with a poop the size of Alaska.
5. I threw up in his bathtub because  i needed the toilet for the other half of my body.
6. He couldn't find his boxers on my messy floor and when I finally found them and threw them at him--turns out they were not his.
7. He gave me a fake name and has a girlfriend--which I learned by stalking him on facebook.
8. I threw up on him.
9. I told all his friends that THIS was going to be the one I marry.
10. I made him buy me a whole pizza and then rubbed it in his face.
11. I don't wear underwear and there was something wet in my woman area.
12. He told me he had to focus on his Scrabble game for the next 4 months in order to win the Scrabble championship.
13. He made out with my best friend in the backseat of the cab I was in.
14. I told him his fingers were like Edward Scissors hand.
15. I farted at an intimate moment...

For now, this is all I can think of. I know I'll think of more to add later!